To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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