when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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