We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
