so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
