My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
