A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
