So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
