I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
he's gonorrhea incarnate
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
