ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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