Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
