I am midnight drunk by noon
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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