we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
