Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
