I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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