i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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