my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I don't want my vagina anymore.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
