I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
