Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
