I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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