I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
