He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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