"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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