is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
