Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
