If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
