Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
