his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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