I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
