I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
