Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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