I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I believe in your delicious
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
