I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
