i just made my gag reflex go away.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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