And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Randomize
