Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
