my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
