dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
