my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
