I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
