Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize