You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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