Umm I'm too high to move.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
