Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
