I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
