My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Donβt say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Good news!! I can adult!! π turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ππ
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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