The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
