Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
