do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
