I am spending my child support on dildos
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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