I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize