I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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