sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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