i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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