I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize
