Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
false alarm, still single
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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