My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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