Heybabeimwearingurpanties
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
