smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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